I awoke this morning, suffering the same nightmare that has plagued me off and on for a year now, but rather than being the typical soul torn person for the rest of the day that I usually am, I was all too calm. My night last night was completely destroyed by the fact, that my best friend, one of my brothers, was two seconds from dieing, and is now all too close to losing everything he has spent the past year building. Shortly after I learned that bit of information, I came to find out that a girl I have been talking to, nothing more, nothing less, decided that we were "moving too fast" even though I'd only hugged her on a few occasions, and that she didn't want to hang out, not only as something a bit more as friends, but that she no longer wanted me as a friend anymore either. All this after I'd taken her out on Friday night and spent nearly a hundred dollars on gas, dinner, and a movie she didn't even watch because it was far too scary for her. After she had told me that she was "ready for anything", she went bowling with some friends while I contemplated just how ready I was, because, I'm really not that ready for anything more than just a conversation or two. Somewhere during those two hours, she decided I wasn't worth the time of the day anymore, and decided to add to the weight of the night. The shadows were so thick they nearly dragged me to the ground then and there, and in between drags of a cigarette I could taste the pulsating despair that was slowly overwhelming me from within. 4200 miles away from the one I truly love, impossibly kept from being able to experience anything else at all because they either want nothing more than sex (which I'm not at all interested in), or nothing more than to stand ten feet from me while holding a conversation that can have no depth without them running away scared, I think I am quite incapable of continuing on as is. The complications of my position never cease to turn every smile into an illusion of what should linger behind the mask, and the true feelings become lost in the acts that we all put on to hide what it is that really is going on within. I've lost touch with myself again, and am not sure where to turn to find it again. My family is doing well, but, they are all busy with their lives as they should be, and it is horribly selfish to think that I might actually want them to just put everything on hold, so that I can enjoy all the good times with them when I return. My brother turned eight today, and I had to wish him happy birthday over the phone, which, hurt. It hurt more than most of the other things since last July have, because he means more than the world to me, and to know that I can't be there, is the worst pain in the world. I just feel lost right now, and to further confound things for my already failing eyesight (yes, I need glasses or something pretty badly now), most of my guiding lights are fading under the combined pressure of the already dark night, and the shadows I seem to emit rampantly from merely being present at any given moment. The worst part is, I'm not even sad, I'm just, empty. Empty of everything and anything, no joy, no sorrow, no anger, no peace. It's the unsteady calm before the storm, but there isn't a storm coming. I almost wish there was at this point, just so I could feel a bit of normalcy once more. I wish it would rain, then I might be able to go stand in it, pretending the drops were tears and feeling something other than this nothing.