I need a moment to be the least bit spiteful. You bailed out on all of us right before everything started going to shit. Mom is carelessly spending money as Connor and Cole survive on less than a hundred and fifty dollars a month for food and part of that has to go to the gas fund because mom works so damn far away from their lavish apartment. Megan and Chrys are on the brink of a meltdown because he's finally learned that a life of slavery is only going to be the death of him and she isn't going to let up. The family is slowly engulfing itself in flames, and you get to watch from a distance so great that you'll never know the pains that we all face right now. The worst part is that I am so distanced from all of them, that they will never understand how all of this pains me so. You were the one who picked up all the pieces, the one who could bring a light to all of our lives when they seemed to be consumed in darkness and you fucking left. You took the damn easy way and left all of us to fend for ourselves in a world you knew was riddled with hiccups and ungrateful paths. I'm not you. I can never be you. I'm not the great savior that you were, and worse yet, I am too damn empathetic to watch this all and feel nothing. I'm pissed that you left. I'm pissed that things are blowing up and rather than a participant who is capable of saving all those around me, I'm stuck playing the viewer as this horrific display of indecency plays out before me like a movie that I can see and touch, but never exist in. I'm not strong enough for this, and unfortunately, as much as I'm pissed that you're gone and you left, I know that if you were here I would be able to find the strength to do what is necessary to put the pieces I had any hold on back together. Strong as you were, and empathetic as you couldn't have been. I need some guidance, and I know you won't provide, because you're not here, and even if you were, it would be in the sporadic glimpses that were when you were at your best. Fuck you, because I love and miss you so terribly so.